Local Parents Pretend to Enjoy School Musical
In the single greatest display of theatrical incompetence known to modern humanity, the local high school wrapped up performances of their annual musical, culminating in an undeserved and obligatory standing ovation.
“Well it was just terrible but we had to stand anyway. Couldn’t be the one jerk sitting when everyone else is standing.” (Josh Harrison, father of the lead)
Sources claim that, “a pile of actual human excrement in a spotlight would have been more interesting to watch. Or an apple rotting in the sun. Or just a piece of white bread.”
This year’s musical was a collaboration between the theatre and choir teachers who needlessly arranged an irreverent and illogical musical adaptation of Charles Dicken’s timeless classic, A Christmas Carol. The piece boasted an enormously large cast of 150 students despite there only being speaking parts for 17.
“I was so proud of my little Suzi. She played tree number 18 flawlessly. Just like Charles Dickens would have originally imagined. But I think we’ll be doing soccer next year. It’s important to do a lot of things in high school.” (Katherine Myers, area mother)
Nearly everything that could have gone wrong went wrong, including dozens of missed cues, dropped lines, an epic backstage F-bomb from a student microphone, nonsensical costume and scenic design choices, really awful acting and singing, and Scrooge reportedly calling “line” in the middle of the performance. Nobody helped him and the audience sat silently for seven minutes while he remembered what to say.
“At one point something fell from the ceiling near the back wall and smashed this fake Dickensian-looking house. I think it was the moon but it’s hard to say. Happened so fast. They had to stop the show for 20 minutes to fix the set. At least there was popcorn. Nice to have a surprise third intermission. We were all dying at that point.” (Sandra McAlester, Principal)
The unmanageable 130-student ensemble, that couldn’t fit on the stage, reportedly jazz-squared during the entirety of the up-tempo, 1960’s themed, “Change Your Harsh Ways, Scrooge or Tiny Tim’s Dead!” Audience members commented that the inappropriate number was identical, note-by-note with, “Go Go Joseph” from Andrew Lloyd Weber’s, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
“It was the same song. The exact song.”(Rupert Galeski, area music teacher)
The 15-minute song went on endlessly, as the band seemed confused about the D.C. al Coda, and then eventually just stopped abruptly in a poorly executed, stereotypical jazz-hand pose with a terribly arranged chord which would make even the sickest sado-masochists pray for relief. Many reported faking phone calls to excuse themselves from the theater during this part of the show.
Aside from the undeniable fact that no other musical adaptation of this story is legitimate except for the Muppets Christmas Carol, this performance rewrites the very definition of just how awful high school theatre can be.
Audience members mentioned upon exiting the building that it was as if they had been “held captive by ISIS for four and a half hours,” or had been “punched repeatedly in the ears by Peter Dinklage,” and that they “felt actually physically ill for a majority of the performance.”
“I thought at one point that I had literally died and gone to hell and that this show was my eternal punishment. Can’t describe the anxiety we all felt. Never again. Never ever again.” (William Martin, Mayor)
However damaging the audiences’ experience, the students felt proud of their work and that’s about all that really counts.
Steven Smith (Sophomore) allegedly asked his mother if she thought the show was “good enough for Broadway.” Mrs. Smith is said to have thrown up in her mouth, forcing a smile with vomit in her teeth, and stated simply, “anything’s possible.”
The students have successfully ruined every single person’s chance of this story bearing any meaning or beauty for the rest of forever. Its musical-refuse will ring in their scarred ears for the rest of their days.
“This crap is the actual reason why I don’t leave my house. Why see a terrible play and pretend it’s good when I can just binge Netflix for an entire Saturday and not be forced to watch a 13-minute, slow motion, ribbon dance Tiny Tim death scene set to Sarah Mclachlan’s “Arms of an Angel.” Seriously how’d they even get the rights to that? Theatre is dead.” (Denis, area janitor)
To add salt to an already open, bleeding, festering wound, the show didn’t end with your average 10-minute high school curtain call. Through tears and lots of handholding, student leaders from the cast and crew gave out cheap roses and thank-you cards, reading every card individually to all 60 adults who helped the theatrical garbage come to life.
This was followed by a generic 15-minute speech about “following your dreams” by the show’s director, and that he and the choir teacher would be producing it at the community theatre across town the following year. He alleges that it will be “bigger and better than ever,” but we seriously doubt it could be any worse.
Brian Gehrlein
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